I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
