there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
