Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
