Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize