Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
