Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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