Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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