i need an iv and a liver transplant
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Randomize