I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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