so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
