Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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