so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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