I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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