How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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