would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
