I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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