Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
