??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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