I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
