im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
