she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
