After last night, I could never be a politician.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
