I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
