She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
