I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
