What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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