my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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