I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
