3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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