youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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