There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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