I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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