feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
