I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
