You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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