I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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