she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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