you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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