My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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