R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
