Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i barfeds in our rink
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
