i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
