So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
