I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
