you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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