Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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