tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
