Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
