I cockslap morals
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize