She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
