everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
