feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
