SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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