my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
