If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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