Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
