My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
