Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
