when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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