so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
We smell like vodka and hangover
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
