My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone signed my nipple.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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