Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
