I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
