i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
