i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
