I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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